SURVIVORS GUIDE IN REBUILDING INTIMACY



Loss of Innocence – The Survivors Guide in Rebuilding Intimacy


By: Joseph Searles


Liberty University




Abstract

With this paper I will attempt to walk the readers through what intimacy is, concentrating on the effects of intimacy from a wounded child’s perspective. I experienced sexual abuse growing up and fell deep into the world of addiction to aide in masking and covering of the pain. However, at the age of 38, I was able to break free from my addictions using several different methods including a spiritual component, individual counseling and group counseling. If there is a reader that is struggling with similar issues, there is hope, there is life after abuse, whether it is physical, mental or sexual. Intimacy can be found, through hard work and an understanding support system. God said that He would never waste our pain, and He has called me to share mine. Good luck on your journey to discovery.



Introduction:
In order to understand intimacy it is important to have a working definition. There are a wide variety of definitions that can be found, however this author will use the simplest form, intimacy is connection. There are several different areas of intimacy and connection that will be discussed. There are misconceptions about intimacy that must be cleared up before starting. Most adults will associate intimacy with a sexual connotation. However, there are many forms of intimacy. It is this author’s belief that intimacy starts at birth. A person cannot exist without a close connection to someone. What is the criterion needed for intimacy? There are three basic needs to be truly called intimacy: First there is connection, then caring and finally sharing. All three of these criteria must be present in order to be called true intimacy. A person who connects with another will do so whether by physical interaction or through an emotional connection. When a person cares for another individual, there is an expression of love, displayed compassion or feelings for another person. The final criteria needed for intimacy is sharing. This is when two individuals have a reciprocated connection not being focused on oneself, but focused on the other person without any hidden agendas or selfishness (Coleman, 2005). Another working definition for intimacy is, “The ability to form emotionally close relationships. Once you have a clear comfortable sense of who you are, you are ready for close relationships. Such relationships are, for most of us, a source of great pleasure (Myers, 2007, p. 172).”

We Were Made for Intimacy
Human beings were made for intimacy. This is no more evident than when the mother - child relationship is observed. It is also evident that the Creator of the universe desires to have an intimate realtionship with all His Creation. Tim Clinton pointed out in his book, “Why You Do the Things You Do,” that God had planned to have an intimate relationship with Adam and Eve. Dr. Clinton points out that when the fall of man had taken place, God came into the garden calling for Adam. Even at the time that mankind fell, God’s desire was to walk with Adam and to continue the intimate relationship. However, Adam did hide and it is very apparent that the human race is still hiding from God. In fact, Dr. Clinton even mentioned that, “Modern man is drinking and drugging himself out of awareness (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 7).”

The Wounded Child Effects of Sexual Abuse on Intimacy
There are three types of dysfunctional personalities that can develop due to complications of nurturing and a person’s intimacy or connection to others. The first being the ambivalent relationship style which is based on fear, more to the point, the fear of abandonment. This can result in a person’s inability to live a productive life. The second is the avoidant relationship style which is also based on fear, but more particularly the fear of intimacy which stems from not trusting. The third relationship type is the disorganized relationship style which is a combination of both the ambivalent and the avoidant relationship styles. A secure relationship style is produced in those who are nurtured by a secure family of origin (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006). There are other side effects due to sexual abuse. Anne Katherine in her book, “Anatomy of a Food Addiction” links overeating as a form of protection from sexual abuse or intimacy (Katherine, 1996). In Richard Gartner’s study on sexually abused boys, he states, “Sexually abused men often have flawed or distorted concepts about relating to other people. Chronic disturbances in relationships have been detailed thorough the clinical literature on incest (Gartner, 2001). He further states:

Distortions about intimacy are a logical extension of having had faulty, corrupt early relationships with abusers and, often, other adults. Their understanding of interpersonal relating was often valid in those early destructive relationships, but such perceptions interfere with their ability to create nonabusing intimate relationships in adulthood. Situations involving trust, sexuality, intimacy, power, and authority may pose particular problems to an abused man (Gartner, 2001 p.187 ).

This author suffered from the effects of sexual abuse that started at the age of seven. There was a struggle to understand what love and intimacy was at age 42. There is still a struggle to regain intimacy. A question was posed for this paper, “can intimacy be learned?” It is this authors belief that it can be regained and relearned to a point, however, it may take several methods and a vast amount of effort to attain. The first being individual counseling as well as support group meetings, which will be covered in greater detail later in this paper.

Intimacy after Sexual Abuse: A Personal Reflection
I experienced major loss in my life all before the age of seven. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. I became instantly responsible for a 2-year-old sister and I was a latch key kid. Soon after my parents were divorced my mother remarried a man by the name of Andy. Andy was an alcoholic and he loved my sister and I think he hated me. He physically and mentally abused me for the entire 6 months of my mother’s marriage to him. In those six months, I was unable to leave my room. I had to eat, play and sleep there. I don’t recall going outside for any reason during those six months except to go to school. I was a caged animal beaten into submission. It took him pulling a shotgun on my mom and almost beating our dog Snoopy to death before she finally kicked him out and it was back to just the three of us. My mother would go out frequently to bars with friends and would leave us with neighborhood teenaged babysitters. I was around 7 years old when I was first molested by one of those babysitters. This continued with two other babysitters until I turned 11 years old. It was not too soon after the end of my parent’s marriage that I started to act out sexually. I later discovered that this was a coping skill that I learned to help change my mood and to make me feel better. This continued throughout my adult life to the point that I became a sex addict. I would like to define this term as it applied to me. I started to chronically masturbate at the age of 16 using pornographic materials, which later graduated to a full internet pornography addiction. I began my road to recovery because my wife found some pornographic sites that I was visiting on the Internet. She confronted me about it several years ago and I was able to lie myself out of it by telling her that I accidentally opened an email that had links to those sites. Three years later she found some more sites on the computer and confronted me again and I again lied and told her I accidentally ended up on those sites and I clicked around a lot. I promised her that I would never visit those sites again and if I ever accidentally ended up on one of those sites I would inform her immediately. I had every intention of never looking at pornography again and I did well for a couple of weeks, then I found myself back full swing in my addiction. I was in Portland, Oregon on business when for the third time my wife found the websites that I was visiting. When I called her she informed me that she did not want to be married to me anymore and for the first time she set some boundaries for herself and it helped me to hit the bottom I needed to hit. When I hit that bottom, I came to realize my utter hopelessness, my insanity and I was scared. I never thought that my addiction would harm anyone else. This of course is the lie I told myself. It not only deeply wounded my wife; it also contributed in ending my first marriage.
There were several key things that needed to take place in order to regain the loss of innocence and the loss of intimacy. First, there must be an admission that there is a problem. Second, there must be a realization of the losses. Third, recovery can only take place if a person reaches out for help. There are many organizations out there that will come to a person’s aide in order to get healing. Next, seek individual counseling and also get involved in a support group. The final area is a spiritual journey and realizing that we do not have to rely on our own power, most likely we are spent at this point anyway. We can seek healing and restoration from the actual creator of the universe.

Types of Intimacy
In order to understand barriers to intimacy there must be an explanation and clarification on the types of intimacy. Matthew Kelly breaks it down as physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy and spiritual intimacy. Physical intimacy is not necessarily sexual in nature, but is under this category. Physical intimacy also includes non-sexual touch. Mr. Kelly uses an example of a politician knowing how to connect with their constituents through handshakes and kissing babies. (Kelly, 2005). Emotional intimacy requires much more effort than physical intimacy. Mr. Kelly states, “Emotional intimacy requires humility and vulnerability that most of us are simply not comfortable with at first (Kelly, 2005, p. 19).” This is even more problematic with the person who has experienced sexual abuse as a child. The abused child has now become an adult and struggles with trusting those close to them. It takes a great effort to be vulnerable because that was the state they were in as children being abused. Richard Dayringer states, “Emotional intimacy involves being tuned to each other’s emotional wavelengths and sharing such feelings as love, joy, or sadness (Dayringer, 2000, p. 17).”
Next, there is intellectual intimacy. This type is learned over a life time. It is learned through everyday experiences, conversation with other intellectuals, traveling and experiencing different cultures and their beliefs, politics and even exposure to philosophy. Dr. Richard Dayringer says, “Intellectual intimacy includes sharing the world of great ideas. It thrives in an atmosphere of freedom where spouses can express differences of opinion without fear of being ridiculed (Dayringer, 2000, p. 17).” The final type of intimacy is spiritual intimacy (Kelly, 2005). Mr. Kelly says, “Spiritual intimacy is the rarest and the most elusive form of intimacy (Kelly, 2005 p. 22).” This author does disagree with this aspect of Mr. Kelly’s argument about spiritual intimacy. He bases this as an intimacy between two people. However, it is this authors belief that spiritual intimacy can only be achieved through an acknowledgment and submission to the belief in God. Nevertheless, this author is in full agreement with Dr. Dayringer when he states, “Spiritual intimacy is the “We-ness” in sharing ultimate concerns (Dayringer, 2000, p. 17).”

Breaking Through the Intimacy Barriers
Dr. Paul Coleman outlines small obstacles to intimacy, then large obstacles and finally covers intimacy killers. Small obstacles to intimacy include fatigue, time together, and thinking there is always tomorrow. According to Dr. Coleman, fatigue is the number one obstacle to intimacy (Coleman, 2005). It is also important to point out that spending time with each other does not necessarily mean quality time. This is an excuse to not spend the quantity time that is required to nurture and grow in intimacy. Some bigger obstacles to intimacy include, “retaliation, contempt and unreliability and Dr. Coleman also states, “if you see any of these obstacles, watch out (Coleman, 2005, p. 28).” Dr. Dayringer discusses and identifies barriers to intimacy that is worth mentioning here. He lists seven different barriers. The first barrier is emotional immaturity. This can be further explained by a person not continuing with their crucial commitment to their parents, continuing to live as if they are single and not embracing the concept of giving and receiving. It’s all about their needs and their wants being fulfilled. Some even insist that their spouse must make them happy or they want to be taken care of. The second barrier to intimacy is no clear concept of their personal identity. These individuals rely on others to define who they are. This author experienced this and had the unrealistic expectation that his spouse would fulfill him. The Bible states that two people are to come together as one. The concept is not two halves coming together to make a whole, it is two wholes coming together to be of one mind and one body. The third barrier to intimacy is low self-esteem. This is a person who fears they are not worthy of love. Often very difficult to break through, these individuals believe they are unworthy of love. The fourth barrier to intimacy is guilt. Generally, this is guilt over past actions before marriage, which could include their sexual past as well as what was done to them against their will as children. This author can identify with this area, having experienced sexual abuse. The negative thought patterns that ensue could include, “I deserve this,” or “If I was only good enough this wouldn’t have happened.” The fifth barrier to intimacy is substitution of counterfeit intimacy. This is when a person seeks intimacy and love through sexual manipulation. This author also struggled in this area when becoming sexually active. Sex was thought to be an expression of love and he could not understand why the other person did not love him back the same way. This could lead to having multiple partners and having the mentality that the grass is greener on the other side. The sixth barrier to intimacy is chronic business. This can be seen by observing the workaholic. Generally, this person does not seek intimacy with people. Their intimacy is wrapped in the accumulation of wealth or in materialism. It is through material things that they feel fulfilled, that they have a purpose. Before receiving counseling and group work, this author also struggled with materialism as a method of feeding his self worth. The seventh and final barrier to intimacy is the mishandling of anger emotions which include resentment and hostility (Dayringer, 2000, p. 17,18). It is this author’s belief that dealing with resentments is key to any kind of recovery.

The Healing God of Intimacy
There are several areas to look at when dealing with the healing of the inner self. First we must deal with the fear associated with our blocked or hindered intimacy. Next, there must be some form of dealing with rejection in a healthy way. The next item is dealing with the feelings of worthlessness or negative thought patterns. Next, we must look at the shame and guilt accumulated over the lifetime. The next item is dealing with life’s insecurities, including any self-esteem issues. Another area is defilement, which is the allowing of worldly influences to dictate and rule over your life. The final area to deal with is hopelessness (Gardner, 2005). In this final area, it must be stressed that at this point of hopelessness there is a high possibility for a person to experience suicidal thoughts. It is recommended that this person seek counseling immediately. This author has worked in the area of addictions counseling for over three years and has seen many addicts come into a group counseling session without any hope of recovery. Dependent upon the group, there are several Christian 12-step groups available in tackling the issue of hopelessness. Group therapy and group dynamics will be covered later in this paper.

The Counseling Session
There are several areas available for individuals to receive help overcoming addictions caused by past hurts and fears. The first that will be covered is group counseling, followed by individual counseling. It is again prudent to define exactly what group counseling is and what it entails. According to Dr. Clinton:
Group counseling and discipling involves being able to assemble clients into a working group with common goals and then to facilitate, guide, educate and challenge them to achieve individual and group goals. This includes teaching them to do the same kinds of things for others (Clinton & Ohlschlager, 2002, p. 70).
Clinton then demonstrates the Biblical basis for doing group work,
Human beings have three basic needs that can be dealt with most effectively in the context of a Christ-Centered group: (1) the need to be, (2) the need to belong and to have goals, and (3) the need to do something with regards to these goals (Clinton & Ohlschlager, 2002, p. 440).
This author’s personal experience with both individual and group counseling is what allowed the transformation of this individual to be able to experience love and intimacy for the first time in his life. The first area of recovery was conducted using individual counseling. Individual counseling was able to help this author see why he acted, reacted and conducted life as he did. The most important part of individual counseling involved re-education. There was no reference point for this author to gauge what normal intimacy was. In fact, relationships were considered superficial. There was no real connection because of fear and hurt that might be experienced. These are primary emotions that must be dealt with in the counseling session. When this author started to attend a Christian 12-step group called “Celebrate Recovery” even more progress was attained. This 12-step process in used not only for addictions, but is effective for any hurt, hang-up or habit as well. Many who start group work will come to understand that there are many layers to peel away to be able to deal with the soft meaty inside. It is what this author likes to call “the true self.” This can be illustrated with an onion. In order to get at the true inner self, there must be a peeling of the layers, which could represent, addiction, resentment, bitterness, abandonment, or rejection, just to mention a few. The twelve steps are as follows:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behavior; that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our life and our will over to the care of God.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove all our short comings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs (Baker, 2007 p. xi, xii).
In order to fully understand and appreciate the power of group therapy it is important to explore why the group works. First, it supplies a safe place for a person to share the most intimate part of their lives. It allows a person to experience boundaries, sometimes for the first time. It connects people on an intimate level due to the safety of sharing in the group setting. This is accomplished through the active listening of the entire group and it allows people to open up emotionally in a safe place.

To fully understand the 12 step process we can further examine the acronym
R-E-C-O-V-E-R-Y.

The R is the addict must realize they are not God. The addict must admit they are powerless to control their tendencies to do the wrong thing and their lives have become unmanageable. The E is the addict must earnestly believe that God exists, that they matter to Him, and that He has the power to help them recover. The C is consciously choose to commit their life and their will to Christ’s care and control. The O is openly examine and confess their faults to God, to themselves, and to someone they trust. The V is voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in their life and humbly ask Him to remove their character defects. The second E is evaluate all their relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt them and make amends for harm they have caused others, except when to do so would harm them or others. The second R is reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for their lives and gain the power to follow His will. The Y is yield themselves to be used by God to bring this Good News to others, both by their example and by their words (Baker, 2007, p. xiii ).
There are several key steps in the 12-step process. The first is coming out of denial, followed by submission to God. It is this author’s opinion that the most crucial of these steps are steps four and five. This identifies core problems with the individual. These steps identify resentments that they have held onto all their lives. It then identifies what affect it had on them, which could include self-esteem, personal relations, security or sexual relations. The next part of this step identifies where you were wrong and how you reacted to it. The final area reveals the fear associated with that resentment. The fifth step is what frees the individuals, this where they read to their sponsor their complete inventory. The important thing here is that this is considered a forgiveness process and a healing process and this step uses the scripture from James 5:16, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much (NASB Study Bible, 1999).”
For individual counseling it would be helpful to follow the following guidelines. Dr. Clinton, Hart and Ohlschlager recommend a seven step process.

Intake – communicate hope, reduce anxiety and promote confidence
Assessment – assess problems, goals and abilities
Gain Insight – Deepen understanding, develop trust
Yielding to His healing touch – communicate that only God can transform & heal them,
Active change (brief counseling for all) – change negative thinking, decisions they make, pinpoint the end of the counseling and their end goals.
Transformative change (long-term therapy for some) – experience deep healing, and core character changes. If client leaves they can continue with what was taught.
Counseling as discipleship – The discipleship process will ultimately bring total restoration through the power of God. This would be a good time to teach the client spiritual disciplines (i.e. Bible reading, prayer, fasting). (Clinton, T., Hart, A., & Ohlschlager, G., 2005, p. 83-85).



Works Cited

Baker, J. (2007). Celebrate Recovery - Advanced Leadership Training Guide. Lake Forest: Purpose Driven Publishing.

Baker, J. (2007). Celebrate Recovery Bible. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

Coleman, P. (2005). Intimacy. New York: Alpha Books.

Clinton, T., & Sibcy, G. (2006). Why You Do The Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Inc.

Clinton, T., & Ohlschlager, G. (2002). Competent Christian Counseling. Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press.

Clinton, T., Hart, A., & Ohlschlager, G. (2005). Caring for People God's way. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Inc.

Dayringer, R. (2000). Life Cycle. Binghampton: Haworth Pastoral Press.

Gardner, T. (2005). Healing the Wounded Heart. Shippensburg: Destiny Image Publishers, inc.

Gartner, R. B. (2001). Betrayed as Boys. New York: Guilford Publications, inc.

Katherine, A. (1996). Anatomy of a Food Addiction. Berkeley: PGW.

Kelly, M. (2005). The Seven Levels of Intimacy. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Myers, D. G. (2007). Psychology Eighth Edition. New York: Worth Publishers.

NASB Study Bible. (1999). Grand Rapids: Zondervan.